In Relentess Pursuit

Inspired by a letter I wrote to a friend.

In 24 days, 15 hours, 9 minutes, and 10 seconds as of this writing, I will be engaging another human being in hand-to-hand combat. It is known as an MMA match or a fight. To prepare myself, I have been engaging in activities to sharpen my skills. Currently, I am unable to fully move my right leg. The knuckles on my hands are heavily bruised. And my neck feels like I just covered a shift for Atlas. But that is just physical nagging that will resolve itself with rest.

My mind however will not relinquish a torrent of thoughts. A hurricane of emotions sweep up my being. They rush through at such a swift pace, that I have little time to gauge how I am feeling before the next emotion hits me. As I lay sleepless at night, I wonder why I do this to myself? In theory, my life could be free of much pain, failure, and overall misery. If I were to cease training MMA, there would be no more individuals lining up to hit me in the head. No more pressure to perform in a finite amount of time amongst a crowd of spectators who will criticize and analyze every one of my minute movements. Plus, I would then have a plethora more of free time for various other forms of recreation.

All these thoughts rush to my head in a brief moment. Swiftly though, I realize that all of those reasons to quit MMA matter extremely little to me. And also, I am certifiably insane. Because I will gladly go up against the world in pursuit of becoming a better martial artist. Other people's thoughts on what I do, hold as much weight as a person with no arms. I will gladly fail in front of an infinite number people in the name of bettering my craft. Most of all, there is not enough time in the day available for me to partake on my pathway towards martial art mastery.

As I laugh at my instant rebuttal towards my doubt, I wonder what caused such a strong desire within myself to walk this road. At the beginning of my journey, I was weak, in mind, body. and spirit. What has changed since then? Not much, except that I no longer allow my weakness to hold me back. It matters little how low I start because there is only so much higher to reach. As a man with nothing to lose, I have everything to gain. I may be ultimately broken but that has never stopped me before.


My desire to traverse this path stems from my search for truth. What am I capable of? Who am I, really? How much can I give? There are questions I have for myself that I intend to make clear while on this journey. How long must I journey? That question matters little because I will enjoy this venture however long it takes. No matter how many bumps and bruises I obtain. Or how much mental anguish I endure. It is all working towards being a bit farther on the path than where I was at before.


When my life is firmly extinguished, my words will hold no meaning. The actions I have done will be forgotten. And whatever little imprint I made on this world will ultimately fade. As for now, that is all meaningless. Even more meaningless is my incessant complaining about my condition. Because come May 10th, 2014. I will step into that arena. Walk into the heart of it along with my foe. Then I will pour every ounce of my being into a mere epoch of time. Looking forward to it.